Today marks the day our special little boy gained his angel wings 9 years ago - the last few years I have felt deeper, more heart wrenching feelings than the earlier years on this day, which I worked out was me finally being able to take the time to process what I had to put aside to function through that time.
This year I had been wondering what I would feel, being open to the fact that you have no real control over it and just have to process what comes.
I'm finding the only way to explain what is in my heart and mind today is that of a soft peaceful feeling.
Air, breath and lightness. Don't get me wrong, there is sadness, and what might have been thoughts, but for today its like he is smiling down and sending light and peace.
We all deal with grief differently, and I will tell you it has not been an easy journey for many of us, it has impacted us as individuals, our relationships, our marriage, and life in general from that moment on.
I will say it has also brought gifts we didn't expect and strength, for those things we are grateful, a deeper knowing of what you can get through, and what should really matter.... it showed us how destructive grief can be without help and support, it also showed us how different grief can effect individuals, and the many different levels and depths it can manifest, and that it can turn up at anytime.
So today peaceful and light is a nice way to remember a special little soul in our life, and I truly believe that gives hope to everyone out there living through all stages of grief
forever in our hearts and thoughts Jaydy...
much love and light
the back story........
Explaining heaven, your heart, soul and spirit, and answering all of the questions surrounding them to our girls is challenging, but every year it gets a little easier, even though the questions get so much more complex !!!
8 years ago today the girls big brother became an angel, even though it was very tough and some days we are very sad, we are grateful to have had him for 5 years, three more than expected.
I met Scott when Jaydy was one, a young guy looking after a severely disabled child with a lot of support and help from his family - I knew he must have been a ‘good one’ to take on that challenge.
I grew up around people with disabilities as my grandmother was a carer in what they called back in the 70s and 80s a crippled children’s hostel - many of my friends lived there and I loved going to help care and play with them on weekends and school holidays, so to me I had no problem taking on the ‘step parent’ role and help care for Scott’s little boy as our relationship grew, that little boy also captured my heart and I loved him like my own.
It wasn’t all roses, actually totally the opposite it was hard, emotional and physically challenging. Many many nights spent in hospital often us both sharing a single fold out hospital bed, many changing care plans and medications amongst the unknown roller coaster. Many many things no parent should ever have to face or deal with.
Jaydy was born with complications at birth where we are lucky his mum Amanda and he survived - these complications meant that Jaydy was 75% brain damaged, he couldn’t suck or swallow meaning being totally peg fed, he had minimal vision and hearing, epilepsy and cerebral palsy however he powered on and had beautiful connections with all family and friends and touched the lives of so many. He was strong and strong willed and interacted differently with all of us within the ways he could - he made different sounds to each of us, letting us know he really did know who was there.
And that became our normal, a couple of years later we lost a baby at 15 weeks but the same year we were then lucky to welcome his first little sister Sophie, and I was pregnant with his second little sister Evie when he passed just before his fifth birthday - I seem to feel the loss a little harder the last couple of years mainly because at the time we lost him I took on the protective try to keep it together role for my family as best I could ensuring we kept life going, because people still need to be fed, loved and cared for, the house needs to be cleaned and as hard as it sounds life keeps going on around you.
I still to this day look back and go WOW how did we do all of what we did, how did we cope through all of the medical and emotional trauma, then I think you just do what you have to, when you have to because you love someone, somedays we coped others we did not, we just tried to do the best we could - because of love, and this is what we have continued to do every day since.
You may wonder why we are choosing to share our personal stories with you and please know we are not writers nor professionals in these areas, but just real people navigating what our life brings us, and so you all know that our team at Luna Frankie have a small understanding of life and what it can throw at you sometimes. We also want to share our stories so anyone out there going through something similar doesn’t feel so alone, as others stories have helped us in times of hardship and not feeling alone is a massive help to surviving.
In this case what it’s like in a small way to have a sick child, loose a child, and navigate falling apart and surviving throughout those times - we pull on these emotions and thoughts when we put together our care boxes, we know nothing can take away the sadness or pain BUT we want to bring moments of goodness or niceness amongst it, we also wanted to provide something that friends and family could send so they felt like they are helping in sometimes a helpless situation.
To be able to send something when there are no words to say....
So to anyone who is or has gone through having a ill, disabled or lost a child please feel our big Luna Frankie hugs being sent to you
a parent holds their child's hand a while, but their heart forever xxx
always in our hearts, mind and the girls conversation Jaydy ;o)
With much love xo